Just Chilin, Mostly.

I watch people’s behavioral patterns. Yes, in a I’m trying to psychoanalyze you kind of way. Not to psychoanalyze you, but in that way. I’m not good at psychoanalyzing people(I don’t want to be), but I am good at picking up on behavioral patterns. And facial expressions; I read face fluently – that is if I’ve known you for some time.

So, if I’m looking at you dead in your face, why lie to me? Why lie to me? Not to spear my feelings, no. To suppress or spear your own, probably.  This has become a behavioral pattern with you. You bury emotions and events inside you, when they’re confusing or hurt. But when you lie, you confuse and hurt people, usually the ones that care about you; not just your self.

If you’re not man or woman enough to admit insecure truths while staring them in the eye… I don’t respect that. And when at my expense I’ll lose respect for you, simple and plain. We all have insecurities; they’re in our faces when we don’t want to face them. But when we deal, they are in our past while in our future. So why not deal?

This is harsh of me, maybe. Maybe. Maybe, it is or it isn’t. It isn’t. Its not harsh, this is how I feel. And I’m writing this out of bitterness and I’m hoping that this self honesty will detoxify my heart and mind of its resentment and replace it with peace.

You never gave me that closure, that peace. You weren’t man or women enough to do so.

I need the entire human race to know that, a lie is not limited to verbal expression. “A lie is not limited to verbal expression.” They very much live in actions with no intentions. They live in technicalities, confused mines and maybes without promise.

I don’t trust you. Not with my emotions, no. I don’t trust you. Because at the end of the day when I’ve made myself vulnerable poured out my hearts truth, from the timelines beginning to end, you in return poured out bullshit. Why was it so unfamiliar when that was all you, in retrospect, feed? This is what I’ve chosen to believe as fact.

It really isn’t that serious.

I’m obviously just being very petty and callus for no reason. I gave you a place in my heart to quickly. I should have asked for references and done an independent background check. You’re a squatter. I mastered your facial expressions but not your behavioral patterns. I failed. I made a mistake with you. Really, what is there to regret if there was nothing? Nothing.

My feelings can only be speared with truth, not with what you would like for me to believe it is. Not with lies that you tell your self can my feelings be speared, but only with complete truth. From beginning to end.

You won’t be giving me that beginning to end truth. Not because you don’t give a fuck, but because you’re not man or woman enough to. You give a fuck. Fuck if you give a fuck. The fuck I want you to give, your not giving it.

So I will remain petty and callus because there was nothing.

There is nothing.

[You’re right, this is about you.]

its not about keeping it “real”… its about keeping it RIGHT. You’ll learn.

Feed backk?

Cause not every female is capable of being a good mother.

….

Yall shoulda saw this lady hit her baby.. I flinched. Smh, i’m 20 and my mom doesnt curse at me and this baby doesnt even look two.

 so I don’t fight with bitches.

Today, I meet someone that reminds me  of you …

Mother may I … not be woken up out of my sleep at 9am when you know i dont get to bed till around 3.

Mother may I … not have my keys moved to a location that i am unaware of, by you.

Mother may I … Not be chastised for coming in at early hours of the morning. i’m 20, thanx.

Mother may I … be the only one to enter in and out of my purse.

Mother may I …

…No.

O, okay… thats cool too.