Just Chilin, Mostly.

I’m not apologizing… Just letting yall know that I know.

…

My thoughts surface the best when i’m not in front of a computer. I swear, desktop light is bad for your brain.

I was at the laundromat this morning playing Pac-Man on a machine when a little kid asked me for a turn. I was really about to break reality to the kid and tell him that if he didn’t have any money he couldn’t play… but I really couldn’t break his heart. His eyes were so beady. So I broke another 50¢ out my pocket instead. (I’m not working right now… i’m kinda surprised that I didn’t give it to him with a heavy heart.) 

He didn’t even know how to play, he just kept jerking the joystick around in random directions and pressing buttons. And then he asked me why I wasn’t playing too. He said, “I wanted to play with you.” Yes, he emphasized on the You… and I haven’t felt so appreciated/wanted in forever,is what it felt like in that moment. 

So I decided to act like the two side buttons on the left were effective to our selected game. I have never faked excitement like that before and after the first 6 seconds I really was excited. Well, maybe not but my heart did smile at his happiness.

And now that i’m back in front of this desktop light my eyes are back at a squint. 

I told you this light was bad for the brain… I forgot what I originally intended to share.

…

It’s like I sit and I write all my thoughts out, cause it helps me process exactly what i’m feeling at the moment, but then that just intensifies whatever emotion it is that i’m feeling. Like… I thought I was mad and then I wrote about it and now i’m pissed all fucks off or I thought I was content and now i’m elated. Or like when I read over old thoughts that i’ve posted, just to see where i’ve grown and digressed, If it’s a sad thought- it’s like the words literally puts me back to what I was feeling. I swear my pen/fingers pull me from one extreme to the other.

At least everything that I write, when written, is meant. It can be misinterpreted, but meant.

Maybe this isn’t my problem at all.

Maybe the problem is that… when I read over these thoughts it cuts me that I allowed myself to be so entirely open with some people. Like why should I have been so upfront about my angry, sad, happy and insecurities… when obviously i’m the only one that’s okay with holding no punches. I always feel like I’m the only one that’s being up front. I want your actions to express what you claim you’re feel… I’m not saying that i’m 100% with that kind of delivery, but I try. And when I’ve fallen off, I’ve never stuttered at apologizing.

That’s what the problem is. As much as I want to say that i’m over things and that i’ve forgotten past situations or how relationships became soiled… I have the hardest time forgetting how I was caused to feel. How you made me feel… that’s what i’m reading. Hurt. And the positive feelings are remembered as well, but now they’re falling in the shadows.

…

It sucks when you’re going through something emotionally and everyone but the one person that you actually want to be there for you is there. This might just be how my life was meant to be though, because the feeling is all too reoccurring.

it’s a turn-on.