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A cousin of mines came to me for sex-ed advice today. I could feel flattered that he trusts and is comfortable with me enough to ask all of the questions that he did… but I’m kind of tight that he didn’t ask one of our male cousins. But wait, this little nigga has two older brothers as well. 

It reminded me of this day dream I had once… I was married with a son and I had to teach him how to tie a bowtie, because my husband didn’t know how to. It bothered me for the entire day.

I just strongly feel like certain things should be learnt from the same sex. And I suppose that me being a female and having experience with them influenced his decision to ask me, but no. I asked him.

It’s like me telling a little boy not to hit girls. Of course I’d tell him that, I’m a girl!!! Is what he could be thinking. That coming from an adult male would hold so much more weight. This is just an example though. I wouldn’t tell him not to hit girls, i’d tell him that hitting in general is wrong. But you all get me, right?

You don’t have to get me, I get me.

Relationship advice, cool… But questions about prophylactics, genital hygiene and things of that nature being asked to me by the opposite sex, why? Why is it that he’d rather come to me about female courtship than the dozens of males in our family.

I don’t want to use words like manhood or womanhood. I have some gender sensitive people following me and I dont want my own opinion to offend myself actually, so i’m trying to dance around what I really want to say.

I just. I just… Fuck it, I get me.

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I had this talk with my mom last night about my relationship with my dad and the generals of romantic relationships. She said a lot of things to me that were already personal opinions of mines. I guess that surprised me for a few reasons; I dont like talking to my mom about relationships(I get awkward), i’ve never come to her for relationship advice based on me just always simply learning from her own mistakes and because she’s always asking me for advice. And I suppose that last one really isn’t fair, after all everyones better at giving advice when being unbiased verses when you’re going through a situation your self.

She said a lot about how you can learn a lot about how someone will be in a relationship based on their relationships with there parents and their parents relationships with their grandparents. Before she went into an elaboration I agreed, but at the same time a bubble of insecurity went down my throat and popped in my stomach. The relationship that i have with my dad is shit, our relationship is where all my trust issues bullet from. (When you never really trust someone I believe that it releases and reciprocates a chemical reaction of “then why should I trust you.”) She talked about how never receiving love from a parent the right way can handicap how you give it, your perception and your willingness to receive it when it’s right. She brushed up a lot on people growing up without both or proper parental figures and becoming parents prematurely themselves and then struggling to figure it all out on their owns and at worse adding another generation to the chains of mis-education that their parents might have come from as well.

I’m sure she didn’t realize that she was saying all of that, but that’s what she was saying.

So, I started to compare the people that i’ve dated and pursued in the past to my mom and dad… I see a lot of my moms intelligence, awkwardness and humor in most of the females i’m attracted too and a lot of the “kind of guy I wish that my dad was” in guys that i’ve liked. I suppose we subconsciously look for or are drawn to the kinds of people that remind us of the ones we learned how to love from first. I do believe that first love influences our initial perception of the kind of love we THINK we deserve. And I suppose it takes understanding those first persons and the love we did first receive in order to KNOW the kind of love we do deserve… and are capable of giving.

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I just got off the phone with my Pop Pop. He’ll be flying from Jamaica to LA next week for a wedding and hopefully a well needed doctors check up. Why cant I be living on the left coast right now? … My Grandparents remind me of those old people that you wish were your age so that you would have had a chance to grow up with them. Forever type of friends. I dont know how many post i’ve written on tumblr sharing my feelings for my Grandma, countless probably, but combined together non of them can express the joy and distance that I felt at the same time when I heard her voice. This woman is precious, I miss her not only when she crosses my mind, but in between that time. Neither her nor my Pop-pop sound aged one bit, but it’s scary, because I know it’s not physically so. As much as beloved voices bring me comfort, there is nothing like seeing a face, the squeeze of a hand and the hugging of limbs…

A few months ago i made this statement and left it open to response. BrettJohn said… “agree with the first, not the latter” and when i asked him why his reply was …”I don’t think people are dispensable. To just dispose of people is to not understand how important everyone is and how they effect you. As people are irreplaceable therefore they can’t be dispensable.”

I love his answer and i do agree with him… his reasoning does make sense.

See, in regards to my situation i feel like if i were to let go, then that would mean that i never actually loved.. ya know, seeing as how love is unconditional and all. But sometimes holding on hurts.. I dont think love is suppose to hurt…. Right now, me loving hurts and the only thing that i know for curtain is that, if i were to stop loving… then i would truly feel pain.

Does that make sense?

So right now i’m on the quest to simply love. I dont want to dispose of anyone.(Especially not if i cant go 3 days with out thinking about you.)

I feel as though that’s the way platonic and romantic love should be… ever lasting and unconditional. A verb before a noun. Irreplaceable and not even dispensable through death.